Facebook Kids

Catergories of a Facebook user through the eyes of a Single Mother:

Married Father: Posts pictures of his kids, golf trips, one or two of his wife to keep him from getting in trouble, tons of his wife if she’s super hot and he’s not so much, status updates are usually promoting his business.

Married Mother: Documents how their kids grow from day to day, status updates are always that life is beautiful, either the last picture of herself is like 5 years old or she’s always extra dolled up at every single event she is allowed to step out to.

Single Father: The good ones don’t have a Facebook account or are rarely on it. They are busy taking care of business. Nuff’ said.

Single Mother: (myself in particular) I don’t bombard my profile with my kid’s pictures because she’s not a toddler, she’s a young lady at 11 and I don’t believe in child exploitation. I dabble here and there on random occasions. This is a form of a social life for me. I clean out posts and friends regularly because I’m occasionally naughty but at the end of the day I am a mother first and foremost.

Single Man: Where do I even start…?

Single Woman: All of you. Each and every single one of you. Closeted or not. Thanks to Facebook you know everything about everything!

Kid: Nephew, niece, friend’s kid, your own kid, etc…KID!

I don’t add the kid as my friend, told her not to friend my friends, requested my friends not add her, and is quick to “ignore” her friends. I don't need to be added to her profile to monitor her, I don't need any of her passwords, how I run things is I tell her to open up whatever I feel like going through on the spot because I'm Boss. If you don't know me well you may think my Facebook logic with the kid is harsh, you may think I’m in denial of being a mother, you may think I’m trying to live out my youth like a single person, whatever…you don’t know about kids in this day and age. They hold everything against you and hold themselves accountable for nothing. Mannerism? Mannerism is dead! Kids are ruthless, the root of evil sometimes. Their little mouths runs faster than a drinker’s stool the morning after a bottle of tequila.

Well I ran across my kid’s old friend on Facebook the other day. Her mother and I used to be good pals and our girls are the same age so they used to play a lot. In going through this kid’s page I almost had a heart attack because: 1) Nothing was set to private. 2) There was a picture of her with her mom’s cousin, an ex boyfriend of mine. The “first” ex.

Now I don't know what happened to the guy who asked me out (a'hem) all those years ago. The guy who I dumped my boyfriend at the time for because I thought it was destiny since we were neighborhood kids from the time I learned to play Chinese Jumprope. That guy that dedicated All 4 One's "So In Love" and made me a beaded "I<3U" necklace. The guy who later spent his tux rental money on 40 oz's with his friends and we couldn't go to my high school dance. The guy who eventually dumped me for the local hoodrat. Oh I don't know what happened to that heartbreaker but by the looks of this picture, he no longer exists in this world! Don’t ask me to describe him either, I won't do it. Karma has not been my friend lately.

I will just say that I hear people tell me that he says I always look good when he sees me, that I was his first love, I'll always be special to him. This makes me absolutely terrified of running into him again. I once pointed him out to a good friend and we shared a laugh about it but I'm telling you if I ever see him in public again, you will never know it. I will pull every trick I know in the book to spare myself the embarrassment and shake that situation.

I had to tell my kid that her old friend has a Facebook page though. I had to. They’re like long lost pals. But the very next day the little girl's friend request was sitting in my inbox…along with ALL her damn family.

Sonofa…!!!