Not Your Average Baby's Momma

At Night I Can't Sleep

2010-07-16T01:38:00.001-07:00

Day 2 of not being able to sleep being scared if ghosts. I've got a kung Fu movie on (last night's entertainment was a Korean flick) as I'm blogging inconveniently through the iPhone (kid took the laptop to her sleepover) with alcohol breath (yes, even after I brushed) and my mputhgaurd in being the classy lady that I am. I thought about playing freecell repeatedly until my eyes lose the fight but I thought I'd do something somewhat more productive like critical bulshitting.

This movie actually looks pretty good but if I allow myself to get into it I'll be up until 2am like Iast night. I suppose every movie is a good movie to me since I am so easily pleased and have an extraordinary high tolerance for crap. Excluding the Twilight series. I rebel against it. I refuse to be a victim of the same addictions the kid indulges in.

Damn this movie is scratched. I must get up to clean it=negative #1. And the movie is translated in English with no option for Chinese audio=negative #2. I can't watch a movie when the lips, not only, not match the audio, but is clearly an American accent. Major movie no-no.

When I was a little girl I would watch Chinese movies with my dad all day everyday and not understand a lick of it. Yeah, some had subtitles but either our tv was so small or the black market copy was so bad that I was only able to read 4-5 words in the middle. Still, I loved it.

When I was a little girl my parents also told me that since we are Christians we don't believe in ghosts anymore because God watches over us. I go back to that memory as well. I pray he watches over me when I get scared of ghosts, then I go back to my life of sin.

I slept with kitchen utensils for years when I moved out. I was a young single mom and paranoid as hell. I never slept much then. I still don't sleep much now. Monday I slept 5 hours. Tuesday 6 hours. Wednesday 5 hours. Tonight...hmmm. You can't bank sleep. I know because I googled it.

I'm going to give freecell a try now. Goodnight.

Squeek, Squeek

2010-06-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

The underwire in my bra keeps squeeking. I don't know if that means I need to retire this bra because its old or because I need to bump sizes.

Tech and I

2010-06-28T21:54:00.000-07:00

Bought a new car radio transmitter for my ipod. The old one tapped out after x many years. Ok, ok, so I didn't purchase it, my friend did for me because I'm scared of ebay. Typical Superior Sam move, I picked out the same transmitter just a newer generation. Not because I knew to do such a thing but they don't even make or sell the one I had anymore so I didn't have a choice.

The transmitter came in the mail yesterday. After days of wanting to shoot myself because of fm radio I was anxious to go back to 80's karaoke sessions in my car. I spent the evening updating my ipod (that I keep in my car strictly for driving) and shuffle (that I keep in my gym bag strictly for running). Ready for the next day.

Yes, I do have an iphone. Yes, I know I can store all my music on my iphone. No, I don't do that. I have 21 songs in my iphone. Only because I must've had to do some sort of test one day. I don't know if I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket or if i just have a hard time letting things go.

So I get in the car this morning, plug in my ipod, and it doesn't play. The entire drive into work I refused to believe anything other than the fact that I'm just tech retarded so I tried everything, nothing work. I plugged in my iphone and played one of the 21 songs…works beautifully.

I suppose this means I will either have to start loading music onto my iphone or return the transmitter. Sigh, I'm exhausted, I'll figure it out later.

Grandmother's Sex Talk

2010-06-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

It was just last week but I can't remember how the conversation started. I think it was so awkward that I don't want to remember.

My mother points out the window and says to my kid, "You see my garden out there?"

"Yes," the kid replies.

"I plant one seed and I watch it grow. I plant another seed and I watch it grow."

"Uh-huh, I know that."

"You. You don't plant the seed."

Awwwwwkwwwward!!!

Thoughts of The Day

2010-05-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

In March 2006 my dad thought he was getting looks from people at Walmart because they envied his awesome black Steelers cap. I told him if he valued his life that he shouldn’t wear the hat for awhile, a long while.

A watched pot eventually boils.

Why do I budget and spend $5 on 5 boxes of Spanish Rice-a-Roni for my potluck while the kid and her friend spend $100 for their potluck?! Kid’s got some nerve telling me she’s still sick this morning, if I can drop off her potluck dish for her. Pffft, hell to the no! If I’m going to work with my Rice-a-Roni you’d better get your ass up and go eat your $50 worth!!!

Felt like an awkward 13 year old again when my mom saw my boobs as I tried on a dress she’s sewing for me.

Received an event email from Trinity Night Club. Do these people not know that people age?

God told me that I need to stop saying yes to everything.

Foooooood!!!

Why are shoes so ugly these days? I am suffering a severe case of withdrawal from new shoes but all I see are gladiators gone terribly wrong! Can we go back to classic sexy heels?! Huh? Can we please?!!!!

Goodbye Gin

2010-04-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t sure about going to the birthday party Saturday night but the kid went to her bestie’s for a sleepover and, like always, I decided to maximize my free time. It was a new restaurant and they didn’t have any tonic water. I couldn’t figure out anything else I’d like with my gin so I ordered it straight on the rocks with lime. After karaoke’ing Lynda Trang Dai’s version of “Hotel California” I started pounding my drink, forgetting 1) it was straight liquor and 2) I haven’t had a drink in awhile and my tolerance may suck ass. By the end of the night I was totally trashed and dancing to Vietnamese karaoke in heels I had no business wearing with a bad back.

When I finally plummeted my face into my pillow at 4am I decided to check my email. There was a Facebook notification that the stalker guy I dated for a very short period last year requested to add me as a friend. I damn near threw my phone against the wall like it was a disease but the dollar sign popped up in my head and my arm froze halfway with my phone safe in my palm. Then I tried to make sense of the situation even though we all know drunken state = NO SENSE. I noted that its been a long time and at least he wasn’t harassing me with the phone calls again and found myself going through his photos. He still works out religiously. ***sigh*** But the flashbacks of all the crazy phone calls starting seeping in so I went to officially ignore his request and that’s when I noticed he sent me the request at 3:30am. Ok if there were any lingering doubts a second ago, this just confirmed that he's still a fucking creep.

At 8am my mother called my cell phone. I don’t know why because I’m only a stairway away so I ignored her. She came downstairs and my head was pounding like a garbage truck smashed into my brain and unloaded all the shit on top of me. The only words I could make out were “dad’s birthday” and “party” and “today." Whatever they wanted me to do was not going to happen. Hey, its not my fault that I don’t know how to read the Chinese calendar and they like to tell me these things 2 hours in advance. They went to church and I fell back asleep until the kid called me to pick her up. I got up stumbling, downed a bottle of water, took Ibuprofen, made a shot of Alkaseltzer, a shot of Airborne, grabbed my party clutch because it had my license and money in it, turned around and put down my clutch to take my shots, grabbed my regular purse that had no license or money in it, and headed out. Delirious. It was a sunny day and the heat in my car crushed my already broken body. The light was like a knife in my eyeballs. I prayed to God, Buddha, Allah…anyone and everyone that everything I just inhaled would kick in soon.

And it did, I started to feel a little better but when I got back home my entire family was sitting around waiting for me and I wanted to die. There was no way I was going to cook a feast today. No flippin' way. I could tell my dad was disappointed when I wanted to take everyone out to eat, he hates going out to eat, he likes me to cook so he can invite all of his friends but the dutiful daughter was dead yesterday. Dead, I tell ya!

After 10 hours of sleep last night I woke up to the exact same brain crushing headache this morning. This shit just won't go away. I am done with Gin. Sick of it. Over it.

Facebook Kids

2010-04-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

Catergories of a Facebook user through the eyes of a Single Mother:

Married Father: Posts pictures of his kids, golf trips, one or two of his wife to keep him from getting in trouble, tons of his wife if she’s super hot and he’s not so much, status updates are usually promoting his business.

Married Mother: Documents how their kids grow from day to day, status updates are always that life is beautiful, either the last picture of herself is like 5 years old or she’s always extra dolled up at every single event she is allowed to step out to.

Single Father: The good ones don’t have a Facebook account or are rarely on it. They are busy taking care of business. Nuff’ said.

Single Mother: (myself in particular) I don’t bombard my profile with my kid’s pictures because she’s not a toddler, she’s a young lady at 11 and I don’t believe in child exploitation. I dabble here and there on random occasions. This is a form of a social life for me. I clean out posts and friends regularly because I’m occasionally naughty but at the end of the day I am a mother first and foremost.

Single Man: Where do I even start…?

Single Woman: All of you. Each and every single one of you. Closeted or not. Thanks to Facebook you know everything about everything!

Kid: Nephew, niece, friend’s kid, your own kid, etc…KID!

I don’t add the kid as my friend, told her not to friend my friends, requested my friends not add her, and is quick to “ignore” her friends. I don't need to be added to her profile to monitor her, I don't need any of her passwords, how I run things is I tell her to open up whatever I feel like going through on the spot because I'm Boss. If you don't know me well you may think my Facebook logic with the kid is harsh, you may think I’m in denial of being a mother, you may think I’m trying to live out my youth like a single person, whatever…you don’t know about kids in this day and age. They hold everything against you and hold themselves accountable for nothing. Mannerism? Mannerism is dead! Kids are ruthless, the root of evil sometimes. Their little mouths runs faster than a drinker’s stool the morning after a bottle of tequila.

Well I ran across my kid’s old friend on Facebook the other day. Her mother and I used to be good pals and our girls are the same age so they used to play a lot. In going through this kid’s page I almost had a heart attack because: 1) Nothing was set to private. 2) There was a picture of her with her mom’s cousin, an ex boyfriend of mine. The “first” ex.

Now I don't know what happened to the guy who asked me out (a'hem) all those years ago. The guy who I dumped my boyfriend at the time for because I thought it was destiny since we were neighborhood kids from the time I learned to play Chinese Jumprope. That guy that dedicated All 4 One's "So In Love" and made me a beaded "I<3U" necklace. The guy who later spent his tux rental money on 40 oz's with his friends and we couldn't go to my high school dance. The guy who eventually dumped me for the local hoodrat. Oh I don't know what happened to that heartbreaker but by the looks of this picture, he no longer exists in this world! Don’t ask me to describe him either, I won't do it. Karma has not been my friend lately.

I will just say that I hear people tell me that he says I always look good when he sees me, that I was his first love, I'll always be special to him. This makes me absolutely terrified of running into him again. I once pointed him out to a good friend and we shared a laugh about it but I'm telling you if I ever see him in public again, you will never know it. I will pull every trick I know in the book to spare myself the embarrassment and shake that situation.

I had to tell my kid that her old friend has a Facebook page though. I had to. They’re like long lost pals. But the very next day the little girl's friend request was sitting in my inbox…along with ALL her damn family.

Sonofa…!!!

Mien Handyman

2010-04-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I asked my parents if they knew anyone who could replace the flapper kit in the toilet tank. Last night I got a call from a Mien handyman who wanted to set up a time and date for him to help. After the phone call, I handed my parents the kit and told them I set up an appointment with both the tenant and handyman for Saturday at 10am and they would be the ones going. My parents seemed a little confused why I wasn't the one to complete this task.

Well I don't know this Mien man so I didnt want to be in an uncomfortable situation. They proceeded to tell me of course I know the man and told me his name.

WHY?!...did they call the guy they were trying to hook me up with from their church. Oh LORD, I thought they were over that! Come to think of it, when I went to Easter service his mom kept smiling at me and he kept watching and I made sure not to eat brunch by him.

***shaking head***

My parents are so wrong.

Reality Bites

2010-04-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

The kiddo is on Spring Break. I’m working so I let her stay at her BFF’s a few nights and you know I always go overboard preoccupying my alone time and end up in exhaustion. That was my situation when she came home yesterday. All I wanted to do was eat and sleep. However, what I want and what I usually get have always been separate realities. The story of my life.

I get home from picking up my shoes from the cobblers, going to the pharmacy, going to Lowe’s to get a replacement kid for that damn toilet and kiddo wants to do all kinds of crazies. I.e.…shop for a North Face backpack, pick up new Vans, visit Baby Lin, get ice-cream.

I didn’t want to do all that. I didn't want to do anything that required driving or walking. Instead I force us both to watch a really boring movie that made me want to shoot myself. Then we did nails which made my room smell like a chemical factory.

Before her bedtime I went in her room to check on her and she was on the floor doing push ups.

“Kid, what on earth are you doing push ups for?”

“Mommy, do you think I’m fat?”

OH LORD, HERE WE GO. (Millionaire Matcher is coming on any minute!!!)

“Come on, come lay down with me…..No honey you’re not fat. Not even close. You’re a tall girl, you’re GOING to weigh more than the average 4 feet Asian girl. You’re athletic so you’re going to look healthier than those white girls that look like they could use a cracker. You’re perfect baby…but you gotta lay off the McDonalds and pizzas and learn to like Mien food!”

“Gosh, thanks mother?! You know YOU’RE the one providing me McDonalds right?!”

“Ouch. Well you’re young, you can everything you want. Lean towards the healthy stuff but enjoy food…in moderation!””

So contradicting coming from me, the classified binge eater. Now I’m really going to have to set an example of eating healthy at home.

Last night I had a dream that I was a starving African. It’s a long story but basically I was an African princess on a boat with my tribe, we were lost at sea and very hungry. Days later a boat came to the rescue and it was another African tribe’s prince. I left my children and husband for this prince who took me to an exotic island where beautiful fruits where a plenty and we were making a withdrawal at a bank.

In real life...my alarm never went off so I woke up an hour late, alone, ate bacon and rice, and rushed through traffic in my Volvo to my 9 to 5.

Mi Familia Es Loco

2010-04-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was totally going to write about something else but the following just occured that has left me beside myself. As if I'm not already having a bad enough day...

My brother is in Singapore working for 3 months, his tenant’s toilet is running, so he told me to pick up a free toilet he found on Craiglist and then go pick up a Mexican at Lowe’s to do the labor.

Ok so maybe out of his 2 friends in the world I’m probably the only person with some logic and I’ve done a lot of remodeling and handyman stuff but…

1-His house is in KENT!
2-I have a job! I don’t have all day to commute to Kent to babysit a job.
3-I’m not picking up no free toilets from no stranger's house in Kent.
4-I'm not not picking up no strangers NO WHERE either!
5-Hire some friggin’ body!!! or...
6-Google that shit!

Bro-Then do you know any other guy who can do it?

Me-Do I look like I have a dude in my life right now?

WTF?!

But damn, I don't want to be that bitch so I did some research and now I'm going to have to go to Lowe's and purchase replacement valve and flapper and do it myself over the weekend.

“Yesterday was a bad day. I cried. I felt stupid. But you know what, FUCK that day.”
-Clarece Precious Jones

Virgo in April

2010-04-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm updating my Iphone. Finally. The last update I performed on it was when the key board turning sideways came out. That was eons ago and I don't even use that feature because it sucks. I have fat fingers but I don't have that fat of fingers. Lately, my phone has been acting like a coke whore...some things get in, some things don't, it flashes, it freezes, it just does strange things. I'm hoping updates will correct this although this process is taking forever. I can't play on the phone, itunes actions are frozen, no solitaire, not interested in news or gossip...so I read my new horoscope for the month of April. It was no bueno.

For one, it said this is not the time for me to eat unhealthy, I need to tighten up my diet if I want to see those results. Well, I had sausage, eggs, and buttered toast for breakfast, napped in the sauna instead of running, and ate at Red Robin for dinner.

FAIL.

It also said now is not the time to make big purchases, I should think about it, if I hold off the results will be in my favor next month. I didn't want to deal with debating with my parents about a situation so Iwent ahead and purchased a new freezer for them this afternoon without officially getting rid of the old one yet.

FAIL.

The rest of the horoscope was pretty much that I've been going through some rough times the past 2 years and we thought it was over last month but the drama is back and its going to drag out for a "brief" 14 weeks. Oh but I'm going to tackle this beast head on and its going to make me a much better person in the end. Um, I thought I was ALREADY a better person.

FAIL?!!!

Oh screw this horoscope and screw this month! I don't even know why I read this bs. I just do. The only semi-positive thing it really had to say was that April 1-24 is great for single Virgos. But I should use the first 10 days to improve my looks.

I didn't quite know how to take that at first, I was kind of offended until I realized there wasn't an actual person looking at me telling me this. I guess 10 days of beautification it is.

Bring it!!!

Parking Like A Bitch

2010-03-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I pulled out my monthly parking receipt, felt like I was raped, and called their office.

“Good morning Mark, I am curious to know why we all of a sudden have assigned stalls in the Bellevue lot and how did the assignments come about? Was it a lotto? Was it based on seniority? Because I’ve been parking there for years yet I ended up with the last and furthest stall #21. So Mark, honey, what do Iiiiii need to do to get this changed?”

Hey, don’t judge me. Men choose parking spots in empty zones and will walk half a mile or will only park next to luxury cars. Women will drive around and around until we get that spot close enough to where our shoes get the least mileage added to them. We will squeeze in a spot and make our friends squeeze out the car (hold your breath bitches and suck that pouch in). So where I park 5 days a week and walk to and fro twice a day (IN THESE HEELS!) is considered a long term investment. I don’t know exactly how far I’d go to get a better parking spot but I am willing to weigh my options on the table!

Mark giggles and says, “Well what happened is that we opened up an office right there so we started using that lot for our executive staff. We booted every paying monthly parker off the lot and only had 3 spots leftover, which we held for parkers based on seniority. If you got stall #21, that means you JUST made the cut off.”

“Oh well in that case, Mark, I am very happy to have a spot. Have a lovely weekend!”

***shaking head***

I guess sometimes you just have to know when to fold the cards. Can't win them all.

Sam vs. Sam

2010-03-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

Holy cow balls it has been almost a year since I’ve had a story to tell?! ***Rolling Eyes*** What the hell was I going through?! Well I’ve already blogged twice this week (via emails) so I figured I'll just start dusting up this old page.

So the kiddo and I were visiting at a friend’s house yesterday evening. Kiddo is supposed to be doing her homework while I’m telling my friend of my random date on Friday. Let me recap a little bit about that date:

I was getting ready to jaywalk to my car when a man stopped me. After a brief conversation I had turned around and was meeting him at Daniels Broiler. Throughout our dinner we discussed a variety of things, one of them being what made me agree to meet him and what made him ask me out. We established that for him it was my legs (oh the fruits of my labors!), he was driving by and saw my legs step off the curb. For me, while I am predominantly a very conservative, shy, and introverted mother, my alter ego was present when he stopped me.

I will admit that I do and say some pretty off the wall things when my alter ego is out to play. However, after a 4 mile run just an hour before I met him, I was feeling nasty and very unprepared for what my alter ego may lead me to do. I snapped back into goodie-goodie-tissue mode and left him.

That’s the short story of the date. Backing up, the kiddo and I were visiting at a friend’s house yesterday evening and I’m telling my friend a little about my date (she didn’t get the sloppy un-edited blog). Kiddo is supposed to be doing her homework when I hear her say from across the room, “You went out with a total stranger mommy?”

“Uhhhh….”

“You didn’t even know him?!”

“Uhhhh…”

“How would you feel if I went out with a total stranger???”

“Ummm…”
(WHY IS SHE BUSTING MY BALLS??? I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN!)
“Girl…when you’re 30 years old you can go out with whatever stranger you want to!!!”

For the rest of the evening while were working on a puzzle, I swear all I heard her say is, “Are you a little crazy mommy?...Are you crazy?”

Hey, aren’t we all just a little bit? DAMN!!! Yeah so that alter ego that I have, she may not be coming out to play for awhile.

Late Morning

2009-04-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

Boy are our kids growing up in different times than us or what?! I woke up late this morning. I don't know why I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep for another hour but that’s what I did. I immediately started trying to get the kid up I pulled my hair back and twisted it in an updo because I already making the decision to not shower.

20 minutes later she is standing in front of her closet with the same outfit she originally put on just staring at her clothes.

“You have FIVE minutes to brush your teeth, comb your hair, and get breakfast!”

“Can I wear your Uggs?”

“I don’t know what ever lead you to think there is still hope with that one. Maybe you should try imagining outfits put together without my Uggs. You have your own, 2 pairs in fact! Pretend my Uggs don’t exist in this house because in your life, they really don’t.”

“But my Uggs don’t match.”

“And I care because…?!”

5 minutes later, after brushing her teeth and all that, she is back staring at her closet

“Ok what is the problem?”

“I don’t have shoes that match.”

“Your black Chucks, duh?!”

“I don’t want to wear them?”

“Why not? They match.”

“I wore them like 3 days ago.”

“Are you fucking shitting me? Put your black Chucks on and lets go NOW!”

2 minutes later, she’s just putting her socks on.

“Look you better put your socks on, put your damn shoes on, grab your backpack and start walking out this door!”

“Uhhhh…okay?”

“Girl I will slap that fucking tone out your face!”

She reaches into a shoebox and pulls out her YELLOW Chucks.

I proceed to tell her that maybe she needs to take her shoes out of the damn boxes so she can see what she has because if she had remembered she had yellow Chucks to go with her yellow checkered shirt we could have avoided this drama.

On the drive to work I start feeling guilty, not for how I acted necessarily but for the curse words I used. I shouldn’t be cursing at her. I can still tear her ass apart without using profanity. I try to call her but she didn’t answer so I started thinking…these kids are too damn spoiled!

When I was little I didn’t have the option of staring into my closet or what shoes to wear or not wanting to wear the same shoes back to back. Those were not choices I had. I had nothing in the closet. I had a pair of black kung-fu shoes my folks bought from Chinatown and a pair of jelly shoes probably from the Vietnamese store next to the Chinese store in Chinatown.

When I was a teenager and started working and buying myself clothes it was still nowhere near what my kid has now. Even then I wasn’t staring at my closet trying to figure out what would be cool today. I was trying to figure out how am I going to stretch out 5 outfits in 2 weeks.

Her attitude stinks, she’s a spoiled ass brat, and she doesn’t appreciate anything. But she’s just a 10 year old girl. Regardless if this generation of kids mature at a younger age or not I can’t expect her to be exactly how I am now at almost 30. It took just about till now for me to build self confidence and stop the whole thing of staring in my closet and taking an hour to figure out what to wear. Well either its either one of the 3 of self confidence, or I just plain don’t give a damn anymore, or I’m too anal about creating a mess that I don’t want clothes to pile up. Anyhow, the kid is 10 and I need to stop the cursing and stop being so short tempered with her. Its not her fault she don't know how to act or that she's a freakin diva...I'm the one teaching her so what does that say about me?!

But if I could give you one advice from today’s experience its this…stick with the Chinatown kung-fu and jelly shoes!!!

Running

2009-04-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

We’ve had some lovely days out so in all consideration to my cooped up daughter and the little pup I thought I’d skip running during my lunch hour so that I can take them out on the trail after work.

Day 1.
Seward Park. I tell the kid to bring her bike or her Razor and don’t forget her inhaler. She forgets everything but as it turns out the puppy had a choking episode so we left. An hour later we run errands close by the Cedar River Trail so I attempt to try again. Well the puppy isn’t trained to well on the leash and the kid starts having difficulty breathing so no running for me today.

Day 2
Long day at work, skipped lunch, I try to convince the kid to stay home in the evening while I run but she insists she can do it with me. I know she can’t, even with her inhaler, but she made me feel guilty for doubting her. A parent is not supposed to doubt their child! I tell her to bring the bike but she won’t listen and brings her Razor instead. A quarter of the way through the trail we are finding out that the Razor is harder work than you think, you might as well just run, well that’s if you didn’t have asthma. We walk back and I get upset thinking to myself so I decide to leave them in the car, turn on the alarm, and tell her to give me 25 minutes. The kid questions if I can run it in 25 minutes which upsets me even more as I’m realizing I should’ve just left their asses at home because not only would I have been back home by now to take them to the park and avoided this whole fiasco, but why the hell do I let this 10 year old question my knowledge and authority?! Finally I have a good run. Whew. Back at the car I find her texting and ask if she was telling her friends, “OMG my mom is like trippin, she’s so mean, I hate her…etc…” She admits and we laugh.

Day 3
The kid goes to a sleepover party, I run the trail with the puppy after work. The puppy needs to learn to run at my pace before I choke the crap out of him. I refuse to let him dominate me!

Day 4
Slightly hungover, no running.

Day 5
Soccer game by Greenlake. I know I’m not going to be able to run with the kids, I don’t expect to have a good run, I don’t expect to even go halfway around Greenlake, but we might as well walk what we can on this beautiful day since we’re already here. The kid was great, ran/walked the whole trail and was very proud of herself, as was I. The puppy, however, was a horror! There’s just too much going on at Greenlake for him to focus.

Jeesh, forget all this. Its just not worth it. Back to the treadmill I go.

Liquid Cocaine

2009-04-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

I visited my brother in Chicago a few years ago where his friends took me out and introduced me to a shot called Liquid Cocaine. I probably took a total of 3 shots accompanied by other mixed drinks throughout the night and ended throwing up on the front porch and trying to convince them to let me sleep outside. Humiliating.

When I came back to Seattle someone informed me that Liquid Cocaine usually consists of either 151 or Everclear. Never had the drink since nor have I seen or heard anyone order the drink since.

This past Saturday night we prefunked with 100 proof Vodka (my girl got a bottle as a gift and I swear I’m not an alcoholic). On the drive out I’m feeling good, my girl told me its 100 proof so I limited myself to just 3 shots and I’m feeling like this is the way drinking super hard liqs should be…you should be informed of the shit you are about to get into so you can make a responsible decision…or not.

In the car ride I told the girls my Liquid Cocaine story and ask, “Why on earth would a human being want to mess another human being up like that on purpose? Why would you not tell someone that the stuff is 150 proof so they can be more responsible with how many they consume?!!! What kind of person does that to someone?!”

My girl replies, “Girl, its called “Liquid Cocaine,” it never occurred to you to ask what was in it?”

Damn I’m stupid!

So we’re get to the Parlor and I’m hating it because security keeps telling people where to stand, where not to stand, how much we can drink, how much we can’t drink, where we can or can’t stand with a drink in hand...the place is annoyingly ridiculous. But its a birthday so I’m frequenting the bar and while I’m ordering another round of drinks my girl tells me to add to the order, none other than, a Liquid Cocaine.

I thought she was joking after I just told her my ugly experience with it but she laughed and told me seriously this dude with us wanted it. I turned around looking like a crazy bitch, looked this dude up and down and asked if he knew what was in a Liquid Cocaine, he said yes and this wasn’t his first one of the night…so I ordered the shots, bottoms up, and good luck you crazy mf’er!

But why was it I that was dead sick the next day?! I spent a total of 18 hours in bed. I’m getting too old for this!

Black Pumps Part Deux

2009-02-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

Damn, if it wasn't for the metal of the heels that caused me to almost slip in the Hyatt today and embarassingly walking by CEO's with an irregular "CLICK, CLICK, CLICK," I would still wear these.

Alright, alright, I wore the crap out of these well beyond my $30's worth. Its time to get a new pair...

Vicodin

2009-02-12T17:30:00.001-08:00

I was prescribed Vicodin for pain. I don’t like taking drugs, don’t like pills, meds, whatever…I don’t like remedies. Even the birth of my child was natural, cause I’m a G like that. No seriously though, the only thing I take is birth control and if you’ve read the previous blog you know why I make the exception.

Maybe I like to just soak in pain, maybe I have a fear of swallowing pills, I don’t know but whatever the case I know I prefer alcohol because I’m a control freak. A person can control how much they consume therefore a person can control about how long the effects lasts. Alcohol, however, only (temporarily) soothes emotions.

Like I said, I was prescribed Vicodin for pain. Physical pain. And looking at that bottle on the first day, being in good hands, having the day off from work, blah, blah, blah…ehh…seemed like an ok idea. Well that day was a blur, I was in and out of sleep, whatever, whatever…I did not like it. That was one week ago. Within the week after I’ve been adding to injury doing a shit load of reconstructing my mom’s house. I needed assistance to help my mind and body shut down in order for me to recharge my batteries and looking at that bottle, I thought I’d give it another shot.

Popped one and lay down with Freecell on my phone in hand. 10 minutes later my muscles start to relax so I log off and turn off the lights. Worst sleep ever!!!

Nightmare #1
The ex/guy/whatever (shit maybe someday I’ll have a permanent term for him) was cheating on me.

Nightmare #2
My kid was being attacked.

Nightmare #3
I was being attacked and Bruce Lee was my protector but even Bruce Lee got his head chopped off Samurai style by this guy, his head was lying in the ditch next to me and I was praying my kung fu skills was enough to save myself.

WTF???

I woke up in a panic and couldn’t possibly go back to sleep but my arms, legs, everything was freaking glued to my bed. Could not move. At all

No more Vicodin!!!

Birth Control

2009-02-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

I told the kid to not just clean up her room, but clean it properly. That turned into an argument because I don’t like the way she responds to me. She slammed her bedroom door and screamed, “Bitch!” My initial instinct was to kick her ass but I might not know when to stop so I took a deep breath and banned her from all electronic usage. I went in later and tried to talk to her but she mentioned something about wanting to run away so I told her I’m tired of her mouth and I wish she would. She said she needed to save some money first.

Oh, ok, well since I’m such a horrible mother why don’t you just stay in your room until you’ve got enough then. Otherwise come out when you’re ready to show me my moneys worth in neat stacks and organized drawers.

Damn, at least I know where she gets her fast mouth and smart remarks from.

Lord, all because I told her to clean her room properly. This parenting thing is starting to take a bad and nasty turn and I can see how people say “Fuck it and fuck you!” I’m not saying that’s what I’m saying, it sure would be easy, but I'm not really an asshole. It took me a quick pep talk though to convince myself that this devil is really my kid, I birthed her and gave her life and by God I'm going to do this shit right.

First I cursed my baby daddy for leaving me to do this alone, then I realized playing that old song never did help. Then I had flashbacks of my parents raising me and eh, that wasn’t so great either. Well I guess I’m just going to have to make up my own rules and figure this out….
so I sat in the living room and cried. She came out and asked me whats wrong and I screamed, “YOU!!!” She knew she was wrong, she can't control her hormones and I understand, it doesn't mean I won't really beat your ass someday but in the end, I'm a woman and I understand. We talked a bit, then I told her to get me a bowl of lycee ice cream and that was that.

Gosh I've always been pro-life and pro-families and all that good stuff but these days...birth control man, BIRTH CONTROL!!!

Ladylike

2009-01-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

“My back is aching cause my bra’s too tight. My bootie’s shaking to the left to the right.”

I don’t know if you’ve heard of that little song and I can’t remember if it was for double dutch or what but its from elementary school. I thought of the song today because my heels are killing my back so I put my arm up my shirt and massaged my own back, shifting my bra around, rolling my neck and eyeballs...until a coworker caught me.

2 seconds later I was rubbing the corner of my eyes like a 3 year old ready for a nap and I always do this, I forget I had a small surge of hope that morning that led me to put on makeup then I go scratching and rubbing all day and just end up looking like a hot mess.

Lord help me, I try to be graceful, I really do.

Tokyo Closure

2009-01-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Whoa its been really busy around here. Gross I just got egg yolk in my hair. Anyway I kind of feel like my tell-all of Tokyo is incomplete so a few things off the top of my head…

On girls:
-Japanese girls are hot.
-Japanese girls dress hot.
-Japanese girls are skinny.
-Japanese girls all wear boots and skirts.
-I didn’t have any boots or skirts with me.
-I wanted to buy boots and skirts to fit in.
-Japanese girls don’t expose their chests.
-Japanese girls don’t have boobs.
-I can’t help what God gave me.

On men:
-Black suits.
-Black suits during the day.
-Black suits at night.
-No one likes to go home after work.
-Men don’t hold doors for women.

On people:
-People know each other from work or family. You don’t see a fine person on the street or at a bar and hit on them, chances of seeing the same random person more than once is next to none so no one looks at anyone. There are too many damn people and everyone is cute! (I learned this to maintain some self esteem.)
-If you ask for directions they stop what they are doing and walk you all the way.
-Everyone has their cell phones out and are texting and playing games, but no one actually talks on their phone in front of people. They believe it to be rude.

On shopping:
-High end.
-I’m poor.

On walking:
-No grids.
-Every corner looks the same.
-Stay close to a main subway station.
-When the light turns red for drivers, the light for ALL directions turns red allowing pedestrians at all 3, 4, or 5 corners to cross the streets without any interference with cars.
-If you keep moving around and making way for other pedestrians it will take you decades to get somewhere. Look straight, walk straight and do not budge for anyone! Everyone walks this way.
-If it wasn't for walking 9 hours a day (fucking painful as hell, I had to lift my thighs to move my legs a step forward limb by limb at some pionts) I think I would be fat as hell right now because...

On food:
- BEST in the world.
-Small portions, large variety. Love it.
-Eat, drink, smoke for hours and hours. I LOVE IT!!!
-A lot of bars and restaurants that only fit 4 people, the size of a closet.
-Sky rise buildings are filled with restaurants all the way to the top.
-Lots of people on the streets with menus promoting restaurants.
-Although I went to a lot of nice restaurants, alley restaurants, street vendors, and all of the above…Gonpachi (Kill Bill fight scene, looks nothing like the movie in reality), an izakaya style restaurant was truly memorable. I LOVED IT!
-Actual sushi restaurants are not as easy to find as they don’t eat it on a daily/regular basis as you would think. The best was in an alley restaurant across the street from Tsuiki Market, the worlds biggest wholesale fish market in Tokyo Bay. If I could recommend only one MUST if ever in Tokyo, this is it. You will NEVER have fish this good and fresh and honestly I have not had sushi ever since as I’m afraid it will taint my beloved memory. I LOOOOOOOOVED IT!!!!!!!!!

Japan’s modern and historical culture is awesome. Its so overcrowded yet everyone respects and honors every system in place. Recycling, subways, dining, even in porn and love hotel districts (pshh not that I would know, I accidentally walked through and people are respectfully quite and as discreet as they can be)…people in Japan truly honor the honor system. I am very impressed. Obviously FOOD is the main attraction. Forget everything else, food is freakin’ awesome in Japan.

Big Tokyo-Day 1

2008-12-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

I was smart, I wound my watch to real Tokyo time and figured he is going to want to take me out so I napped on the plane. I felt great when I touched down, with his precise instructions I found the train station ticket booth with ease and told the agent I wanted to take the Narita Express (airport shuttle) to Shinjuku. Then I was to sit back and enjoy the 1 1/2 hour ride.

Through her broken English the agent managed to tell me that they run every hour and I just missed one, she suggested I take a quicker route that required transferring. I imagined surprising him at the hotel early and figured again that I'm a smart person so I purchased the "quicker" route.

I was sitting in the airport shuttle comfortably, the lights were dimmed, the temperature was warm and cozy, it was full of empty seats and only a few people in each cart. Then it started, the bright lights of the local subway trains passing by, I watched them one right after another. The first one didn't look anything like my train, their lights were fully on showing the mass crowd of people standing up. Mostly men in black suits, white collar shirts, and ties. An open can of sardines. I wondered where they were all going or coming from. Must be a big business district. The second one I saw looked, well, exactly the same. Is there some kind of convention going on? Then the third, fourth, fifth...one right after another, every minute or so...they were all the same. At some point, my ticket says "Shimbashi," I was to transfer on to one of those?! Oh, why couldn't I have just been a smart person?!

A very long hour later, there I was getting off my comfortable airport shuttle at Shimbashi to try to prove to myself (and soon him also) that I am indeed a big, smart girl afterall. Finding the correct platform for your train is the first thing problem. You have to make sure you paid for the right line, find the line, then make sure its heading the right direction. While their subway system is genius, it is extremely complex until you get used to it. Then you have to manage to sucessfully get on the actual train. People are shoving in while others are trying to get out of the same door. You only have so many seconds until the doors will just shut on you.

Managing to stay on is a whole 'nother thing. You're crammed in there so tight that when the train bolts everyone bends in a wave on each other. With me being smack in the middle of the door I almost didn't survive the first stop because the crowd rushing out almost swallowed me out with them. It took me 2 more stops to make it to the wall to post up where I could stare at the train's map. I had 4 more stops to go so I had to start worrying about the last (hopefully) problem...getting off this damn thing. I prayed the doors would open to the left at my stop. There was no way I was going to make it out if the doors opened on the right. Absolutely no way possible.

"This is the Yamomote Line, the next stop is Shinjuku, the doors will open on the left."

OH THANK GOD!!!

As I learned later, Shinjuku is one of the bigger stations with a very happening night life so it was easy to follow the crowd getting out also. I made my way to a cement pole so I could be out of people's way and read the rest of my instructions. When I got outside of the station I stood frozen at the sight of the rush of people. Does it never end? I had to snap myself back together and found a taxi.

Having told the taxi driver to wait, I came back from the consierge and with an envelope, unable to count yen I opened the evelope and pushed it towards him to have his pick at it. He bowed his head shaking it. Not allowed to count it for me perhaps? I took out one of the bills and put it in his sight, it must've been enough because he nodded and gave me some change. Now I'm totally screwed because I have no idea what to tip him. I handed him back the change and reached for another bill. He took a few steps back waving his hand. Too much? Too little? I don't understand. He handed me the change back and waved his hand again, bowed his head, and got in his taxi and left.

I walked in the hotel emotionally exhausted...with an envelope full of yen and a hotel room key...now feeling like a ho. He didn't even come in for another hour later, I should have just stayed on the airport shuttle! After telling him my story about the trains, how I was paranoid someone would pickpocket my backpack, how I told the taxi driver to wait but felt like a jackass because I was afraid to leave my luggage with him... he told me people can leave their wallets full of money and someone will return it to you with all its contents, you can be drunk and pass out on the street and no one will bother you, and its an insult to tip.

Like I predicted he wanted to take me out. Not that I was experiencing jetlag but I had just survived 50 heartattacks on my own, but I didn't know how to tell him I wanted to stay in for a quite night. He took me in to introduce me to the staff of the executive lounge first where I could eat/drink whatever I wanted, so now I'm a high class ho. :) We had a few drinks and headed out to the streets and alleys of Shinjuku for dinner and more drinks. The rush of people, it never stops anywhere in Tokyo, anytime, ever...its hard to even stop to take a picture because no one is stopping.

Tokyo

2008-12-09T23:37:00.000-08:00

I'm all packed and ready to go. Now I can't sleep and its not because I'm excited but because I'm scared shitless. I mean, of course I'm excited but the scale is weighing a little heavier on the scared side. I've never been overseas, I'm the worst navigator, I feel super guilty the kid can't come, its the holidays and I'm going to be one broke hoe, and I'm not even back together with this guy. Is a free trip to Tokyo really worth all this? Of course the answer is yes but it sure takes a lot of self convincing. I've got a bottle of Vodka in the freezer and I'm thinking about having another cigarette.

After a year of being a citizen I finally now hold a passport. I applied for it on Friday and picked it up yesterday (Monday). America is awesome! Downtown Seattle is awesome! I never venture out that way during the work day but when I went over I just fell back in love with the city and its craziness and diversity. Jeesh, it would be nice to work in Seattle and fit in again. I hate being confined in Bellevue with the stay-at-home moms that pull up in their Benz SUV's all primped up to go grocery shopping, spending 3 hours at the gym thanks to Rosie the live-in nanny, Daniel's Broiler and Joey's are the cool places to hang out at, cops ticket you for jaywalking, no one is dressed weird, everyone is a clone, not one bum in sight, the best school district, blah, blah, blah...

I guess I will have to get over completely not fitting in over in Tokyo for now. I'll be the fat girl with glasses, tennis shoes, a camera around my neck, and possibly the only female with black and gray hair. Like I do with everything else in my life thus far...I'll just WING IT.

Bible Thumper

2008-12-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

Bible Thumper has had a rough few days here in the office. Yesterday she was agonizing over what new hairstyle to get. Frazzled after spending 4 hours google’ing she TOLD me to just pick out a style for her. I looked at her like she was crazy and walked away. Later in the day she brewed a fresh pot of coffee but didn’t line the filter with the pot’s opening so the coffee was all over the counter, into the drawers, all over the floor. I was the one that caught it and I would have cleaned it up myself but it wasn't just a little mess. I told her to get back there and clean it up. Come to find out later that the drawer the coffee spilled into is where we keep all of our paper covered wood chopsticks, plastic utensils, and mini packets of condiments. How she cleaned it up was to scoop ALL that stuff up and threw it in the dishwasher. Plus she dumped the coffee machine’s filter upside down in the dishwasher WITHOUT taking out the filtered coffee. She left it, just like that...so of course she got told again.

At the end of the day she told me someone on EHarmony asked her out for coffee and she was thinking about asking him if he’s attracted to long hair or short hair, because if he’s attracted to long hair she would delay her haircut until after their date. I would tell you that it was the most ridiculous and pathetic thing I have ever heard but then she topped it by telling she had a hair appointment at 7pm in Mill Creek and asked if I wanted to go.

Today…Bible Thumper is lobbying for next year’s vacation. I hold seniority over everyone here except the boss. Bible Thumper wants to take the week of my 30th birthday off to go to Israel. All I did was ask her why she needed this specific week…she said it was a church group trip. Okay, that being said, of course I’m going to let her go but I asked her to give me 2 seconds to look at my calendar, all I wanted to do was to look on the calendar to see which day of the week my actual birthday landed on. Bible Thumper starts throwing a tantrum because she can’t believe I have the audacity to even consider it because I can celebrate my birthday any other old week.

I tell her to go back to her desk and I will get back to her when I’ve made a decision. I make her wait a few hours just to taunt her then I tell her that I wanted one day off that week and for her to ask the boss if she can lapse on MY vacation day. When she asks the boss about it the boss gives her a hard time for a few hours and I almost want to throw a little of her Bible thumping back in her face telling her maybe God doesn't really want you to go to Israel after all.

Target

2008-11-24T23:01:00.000-08:00

I went to Target tonight to return a few things and Lord knows you can't go to Target and return anything...you go to Target to make an exchange and end up spending more on additional merchandise. Love Target!

What I needed to exchange my previously purchased unnecessary merchandise for was a better way to travel with my makeup. It occurred to me that most girls have some kind of bag, roller, fold out thingy to separate their makeup brushes. I could totally use one of those. One of my friends informed me that I can get one of those things "cheap anywhere." Well being told that, where else would you expect a person to go but Target?!

So my kid and I finally finish walk up to the checkout stand with a bunch of crap. Like everyone else, I want to pick the shortest line with the least merchandise on the belt. Some gangster looking guys buying clothing (I live in Renton remember?!) tried to rush in front of me and beat me to a line. I grab my kid and speed up right in front of them and throw my basket down on the belt like, "What?!" They admitted defeat with a smile and moved to another line. I turned to look at my kid and she's shaking her head laughing at me. I say, "Girl its late and the guy in front of us only has 1 little thing to buy, I'm trying to get you home! I'm looking out for YOU!"

I turn back towards the cashier and notice the guy in front of me is still holding on to his merchandise while the belt is moving. I'm thinking, "Dude, let go of the thing already before your coat gets caught in the belt or something!" When the belt sensors a merchandise and finally stops, the cashier reaches down for it and he lifts up his hands and its 2 boxes of "MAGNUM CONDOMS."

Shit, shit, shit, don't panic, don't panic. Don't make a move, don't make a sound. Maybe she won't notice, she doesn't even know what they are anyway. Does she?! Nah! My God this poor guy in front of me, how embarassed is he?! Maybe he's not embarassed afterall. He seems a little embarassed though. Oh yeah, duh, there IS a kid in line. Oh which um happens to be MY kid. People come to Target even for these things?!...Target is the shit!!!

Lunch Hour

2008-11-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

Its lunch hour Friday afternoon. I’ve already eaten, twice. I’m having dinner with the ex ***rolling eyes*** to discuss where we are (DON’T ASK!). I was kicked out of my cube by the IT department for a few minutes so I grabbed my makeup bag and headed for the restroom with the movie, “Two Can Play That Game” in mind. The part where they’re broken up but she goes over all done up and teases him then bounces! Yes, I envisioned myself doing that and yes, I laughed at myself too but hey, it was just a thought.

So I go into the restroom and took off my glasses to get to working on my face, everything was a blur. I put my glasses back on to map out a makeup game plan and calculate how much work my face really needs. ***sigh*** A LOT of work! My freckles, dear lord! Maybe I should start waxing my mustache. (I know girls say their “upper lip” but I it’s a mustache, stop trying to sugar coat it.) My hair, goodness all the mishap fringes and white hair. I take out my tweezers and pluck a few until I’m frightened I could be a bald bitch in about 2 minutes. Upset and frustrated at genetics and the world…I take one big look at myself, take a big breath, turn around and walk out.

Will try this again later.

Black Pumps

2008-11-19T16:16:00.000-08:00

Am I the only girl that is so stingy about my shoes that I don’t even wear them? I’m wondering this because although I spend the majority of my life at work I wear the same shoes there every single day…my basic $30 Chinese Laundry black pumps. I mean, who even wears Chinese Laundry?! I don’t know but whatever…and I’ll tell you why…because I can’t even tell you how many pairs of basic black pumps I’ve gone through in my life, thats why.

I used to take them in to the cobblers then at some point I started just buying new pairs until eventually I didn’t even want to spend a shit load of money on them anymore. Now when I see a pair of black pumps around $30 (regardless of brand or question in durability), I’ll just buy them, wear the crap out of them, toss them, and get another $30 pair. Its not a good feeling to have to say goodbye to the good shoes that are irreparable and irreplaceable so while those shoes are nicely preserved in my closet, I wear black to work just about everyday to match my crappy black pumps.

I do wear other shoes out, I really do, but usually only outside of my work life. I have a coworker who keeps shoes underneath her desk and changes them all throughout the day. I have another coworker who does the same thing including a pair of tennis shoes that she walks in the office wearing and puts them back on at the end of the day and walks out of the office wearing. They don’t care when it doesn’t match, or when it looks funny, or when their toes are out in the winter…see I don’t do this. I don’t see the point in all that. Who cares that my ex’s dog has put teeth marks on them, or that the front tips are worn down and grey, or even that the seam of the right shoe has split and I colored it in with a black permanent marker….its not noticeable unless you bend down and stare at it and they’re $30, I’ll get a new pair tomorrow!

Friday Kickoff

2008-11-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

Started at happy hour last night. First I had to convince my kid that I wouldn’t take long, I usually don’t pick her up until 6:15pm anyway, I was going to leave work a little early and leave happy hour by 7pm. Kid was not too happy about me picking her up an hour later. “Can ya cut me a break kid? Can ya?!”

2 glasses of wine later, feeling tipsy and like a lightweight, its 7:15pm and traffic is stuck because stupid Seattlelites still haven’t gotten used to the rain, the kid is calling me and I ask myself, “Is there no happy medium?!” (With having a social life and having a kid.)

“I’m on my way honey, I’m on my way.”

I was hating on tv shows and movies the entire drive to pick her up. Every time there is a parent on tv without their kid, I always secretly wondering where their kid is. (I’m sure only a parent catches these things.) Is the kid with a nanny? At a daycare? How do these parents get to do all the shit they are doing? Real single parents don’t have all that much freedom, or at least, it certainly isn’t real in MY life. I hate them!

I wasn’t going to cook dinner so I asked her to choose between Taco Bell and McDonalds. When her decision was a quesadilla from Taco Bell I changed my mind because I wasn’t going to buy her something we could make at home, besides, I wanted a few fries. I passed out thirstier than the Sahara Desert but I only managed to get up to tuck her in, brush my teeth, and tuck myself in. I woke up an hour and a half earlier than I usually do this morning. Dreaming of water all damn night I might as well just get up. So what did I do with all my extra time? Well I went into my daughter’s room and lay on the floor and started exercising. I’d walk out to the mirror and check out my abs and go back in her room and exercise some more. Hey, hope never killed anybody! I attempted to do this Victory Ford (Lipstick Jungle) hairstyle but failed, as usual, so I just clipped my bangs up, as usual.

On my way to work I decided I am going to start being annoyed by guys that try to hold a conversation with me via text messaging. Texting has its purposes and I do appreciate it at times but trying to get to know me is not one of them. Be a man and call. I don’t do this whole texting conversations back and forth kind of stuff, I’m old school and I’m busy and my kid is 10 (yes, this is a factor)! It never bothered me before because I’m the kind of bitch that ignores everyone across the board but I checked my texts this morning and saw one that I decided I’m going to throw in the “annoying” category of my life.

And that’s Friday so far. Its 10:30am and another kidless weekend. Oh boy...

Shoes

2008-11-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

Email from my friend today...

"Boy do I have a story for yall this morning or what!!

So as I head outta my room this morning, I grab my rain boots and my pumps. I put on my rain boots before I head outta the house and off I go. I’m getting off the Seneca St. exit and start taking off my rain boots to put on my pumps. Here it goes…get ready. It’s then I realize that I grabbed two different pumps!! One kitten heel and the other my regular pumps!! I’m thinking to myself, ‘OMG! WTH!?!’ and started busting out laughing.

I get to the garage, park my car, get out of the car and off to work I go, ‘ka-kayk, ka-kayk’ all lopsided hoping no one notices I’m walking all retarded. Oh man! That was the highlight of my day!! Hahhahaha"

I'd rock the bright orange rain boots in the office over this anyday!!!

Rancid

2008-11-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

Forget that its Election Day, I’ve done my part and voted and will watch the electoral coverage tonight, I’ve got issues today.

First I forget to take pictures of the kid on Halloween. I mean, what kind of parent doesn’t take pictures of her kid on Halloween?! Indeed, I was busy chauffeuring her to parties but what kind of crap is that?! Didn’t I just say I was going to try to bring my camera around more often and take photos of my normal life?! Instead I sent her off to her costume sleepover and go out myself taking more drunk pictures with my friends. Luckily we still have our carved pumpkins outside so I’ll just dress her up again and snap a few for the books

Then last night I feed her some butter so old that it turned rancid. I was lazy, really lazy, and made her favorite; pasta with butter and Johnny Seasoning Salt. And I was so lazy that instead of using butter from the refrigerator because it required melting it, I used room temperature butter in my butter jar on the counter. Well that butter hasn’t been used or changed in 6 months, at least. My poor kid was sick and throwing up all morning.

What’s worse is that before I figured out what made her sick I was in a grouchy mood because she’s so white girl and I always have to cook her something separate from what I eat (Why can’t everyone just be as boater as me?!) and she has such a sensitive stomach and constantly getting sick and I was running late for work and I made her get into the car so I could drop her off at my mom’s. An hour later she called and said, “When I threw up it was the pasta from last night and my throw up tasted all buttery.”

Then I realized I’m a jerk and that I really need to get my shit together. We went to the mall last night and I picked her up a pair of Air Jordans.

Paparazzi

2008-10-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

So its Halloween aka Skank night tomorrow. I’ve never been a fan, I won’t even let the kid put the decorations up this year, bahumbug! But I participate because, as my coworker puts it, I am an “agreeable” person. I don’t buy costumes, I have plenty of junk in my closet to make something up so why spend my hard earned cheddar?! We're not in Vegas! So I came up with the bright idea to be a vampire this year because it only requires me purchasing custom fangs. I considered going all out with the makeup, blood dripping and evil eyes but while it suits the night’s theme out, eh…not so much afterhours at home.

What I really dread about these big nights is that the paparazzi come out in full force. By paparazzi I mean my friends. Lord do girls love to take pictures to show the world how good we looked when we were out, how much fun we had, make friends and exes jealous… “Take one with me, take one with her, take one with just the three of us, wait I don’t have one with you yet, it didn’t turn out good, redo, your eyes are shut, my eyes are shut…” Oh man, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate it. I’m not a photogenic person and have never liked being photographed. So if you’ve noticed that ALL public pictures of me are of that when I’m drunk that’s because I am and because it’s the only time I develop little tolerance for the paparazzi.

I’m not an alcoholic, I swear! Its just no one ever brings a camera around when we’re living a normal life, as if our normal lives are so uninteresting or something. New goal, take my camera around more often.

Puzzle

2008-10-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

Puzzles represent my life in shattered pieces and its completion represents my recovery. I’ve been doing this through extraordinarily rough times for as long as I can remember. I don’t work on the puzzle everyday, just when I have nothing else to do and I don’t want to sit thinking. Its been over a month but only in this past week have I been coming home to see the unfinished puzzle on my table and feeling weighed down by it. I stayed up until midnight last night. I was on a roll, eager to put this therapy session to rest.

In the past, upon completion, I would take in deep breaths in between smiles as I run my fingers through the ripples of the puzzle with each piece perfectly in its place. My fingertips, my clear thoughts, my keen senses, and my time alone put this piece of art together. I love that feeling. It is pure satisfaction. I would then allow myself to soak in it, sometimes for a day or two, sometimes just a few minutes. However long it takes before I reach nirvana where I will then start breaking up the puzzle and putting all the pieces back in the box in a frenzied raid. What I'm doing is capturing those thoughts and feelings of puzzle nirvana and spreading it out in places of my life that is lacking. Stuff a little of that happiness here, a little of that satisfaction there, a little of that love here…until I’m all filled up. As the box is full I would close it, locking in all its pieces from getting out and with it all the things that lead me to need the puzzle in the first place. One shake of the box and out in the garbage it goes. Never for me to see or remember the puzzle again. Just like that, the puzzle has served its purpose.

Well it didn’t end that way last night. I was missing ONE piece. I tried to pretend it was complete and run my fingers through the puzzle…no satisfaction, no nirvana! And so the puzzle still sits, on my dining table, unfinished…a reflection of my own state of mind. At midnight I went out on the porch and smoked a cigarette, too tired to think, too tired to cry.

To Do

2008-10-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

(In order because I’m anal retentive like that.)

-Finish the puzzle that has taken over my dining table. Toss in the garbage to close this dark chapter of my life while also ending exposure of self to guests as a total loser. Maybe I’ll even host spring roll night soon. Don’t get a hard on, I said “maybe.”

-Pick up the hundred dresses that have taken over my bedroom floor. Single women seem to think a hot dress is the answer to every party.

-Pedicure and trim. My toes are starting to hurt walking in my pumps!

-Start using the thighmaster. Those fantasies of Mr. Fireman the other day nearly ended when I envisioned my thunder thighs in awkward positions.

-Grocery shop. Not even Oprah can work a miracle with one head of cabbage and a few eggs.

-Revive the routine of waking up earlier to get my 2 eggs in so I can starve myself the rest of the day in the endless effort to be skinny.

-In order to wake up earlier I need to sleep more so get over it and start wearing the mouth guard again.

-Invest in a raincoat because cheerleading on the sidelines for the rest of the soccer season is not happening unless I do so.

-Watch the 3 Blockbuster-By-Mail movies I’ve been holding for nearly a month.

-Shop for the NorthFace jacket the kid’s been wanting because what baby wants, baby gets.

And last but not least for this week…

-EAT DIM SUM!!!

Salmon Days

2008-10-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

My friend and I took our kids to the Salmon Days Festival yesterday. I wanted to eat something out of my norm so after walking by and staring at other people’s food I narrowed it down to a piroshky. Having never found the piroshky stand, starvation led me to settle for an onion cheese burger and curly fries. Hey, I wasn’t complaining though, I was slightly hung-over and hungrier than the new cast of 90210. When that chef pulled my block of curly fries straight out of tub of hot grease and plated it without letting the excess oil drip all I thought was, “Do I have enough ketchup?”

Our day consisted of the kids piling up free junk at ever stand like stickers and magnets that will all end up in the garbage, for $5 per kid they got their face painted with a flower that took all of 15 seconds (Why didn’t I ever think of getting into this business?!), we walked by all the overpriced hand crafted arts few people in the world will buy, and sat in for a Disney comedy show where the kids picked me to be the stage volunteer for a joke. I’m glad the kids had fun, that’s what its all about really but it didn’t hurt anything either that mommy found herself at a crossroad between a strawberry shortcake stand and firemen selling their calendar. For the record, strawberry shortcakes has got nothing on a fireman! I can’t tell you how long I stood there with my mouth open but it was long enough for me have to worry about where my kid was when I came to. She was safe and happy in the Snoqualmie Casino stand getting a baseball cap. After allowing myself an extra 5 seconds of fantasies with Mr. Fireman I wiped my drool and thought maybe being single might not be so bad after all.

Genesis

2008-10-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

I logged on a few days ago to post a new blog but ended up deleting all of my previous entries in the midst of a scorn lover’s rage. Within this year my ex boyfriend became my fiance who became my ex fiance who wants to marry me but doesn’t want to do it now nor does he know when. Not as if that was all my life consisted of and it was all I ever blogged about but I needed to wipe my world clean of the guy and since I believed the act in deleting all previous posts was enough progress for the day, I saved blogging for another time.

Well my fellow comrades, another day has come and I need a break from the hectic banking industry that has me working like a slave these days. Scratch that, I need a break from everything! Corporate Nazis are depriving me of my daily 5 minutes of happiness on company time by blocking YouTube.com and UsMagazine.com. What’s next?! CNN.com? My daily horoscope? Since I’m also not allowed to stream music I’m forced to play over and over the few cd’s I have loaded on my computer: Julio Iglesias, Antony and the Johnsons, Buddha Bar, Delirium, French Café compilation, Keane, and Depeche Mode. (Don’t ask.) Can’t a hard working good woman just have her 5 minutes to burn?! Don’t be surprised if I stopped blogging, as if I do it ever so much these days anyway, but (knock on wood) this site could be axed next. ***gasp***

Dun, dun, dun!!!